MOVIE REVIEW: The Davefather vs. Swiss Army Man

WARNING! The following review contains massive spoilers. If you plan on seeing this film, please wait till after, before reading this review.  Than again maybe you should read this review, so you can stay away from this flaming piece of trash, in the first place. 

Where do I even begin with this one.

So in all the years that I have been an active film lover and seen the movies with the intent to review them, I am proud to say that I have only ever walked out of one movie. That movie was : Revenge of the Fallen, where after half an hour I knew that I couldn’t take another second of that mindless trash. I have sat through many of films that are either awful, painfully boring or just plain pointless and I have always managed to stick it out to the very end. I take pride in that! So you have to imagine what it actually takes for me to walk out of a movie. Now thanks to Swiss Army Man you can make that two films I have walked out of in my life.

Swiss Army Man is a raging piece of trash, the likes of which I have never seen before in my life. It is absolute SHIT! I hated every single second of this film that I could bare to watch. It is the kind of pretentious rubbish that comes out and gets praised because it is “unique” but really all it is a steaming hot shit filled diaper being shoved into the faces of the audience unlucky enough to actually sit through it (hi Deer!).

Believe me I can not even stress enough how bad this movie is. I know that it is kinda common to get excited when someone reviews a movie and they give it such a venom filled review, because you simply have to see if it is really that bad. I understand that, but this is not one of those times where you are gonna want to do that. 

Swiss Army Man is to be avoided at all costs.

You should literally go see anything else playing and I wouldn’t even recommend going near the theatre playing this, because the stink of this crap might take over your body like The Beast from Seinfeld. After this film has finished its run at the theatres I would recommend burning the reel and sanitizing the entire theatre.

So what makes this movie so awful that I have to say these words? Well lets start with the plot which is basically Paul Dano is somehow stuck on an island lost at sea. He is about to kill himself when a corpse washes up on shore. The corpse belongs to Daniel Radcliffe and it can’t stop farting. Yes this is the farting corpse movie you may have heard about, as hoards of people walked out of it at Sundance.

Basically the movie is just Paul Dano dragging this corpse around with him as he tries to get rescued. Of course he talks to the corpse, who in return talks to him. This might not sound like it is the kind of film that would often a person based on that premise alone. Well first let me start of by saying I hate fart jokes in movies, I rarely find them fun and I think they are a cheap way to get a laugh. Sorry the image of Harry Potter looking like he is having a seizure on the beach because his corpse is farting so much isn’t funny to me!

Yet it only gets better from there.

Here are some of the scenes I was bare witness to ’til I finally had enough and left. Paul Dano LITERALLY, YES LITERALLY riding Radcliffe’s body like a Jet Ski, through the ocean as it farts its way to land fall.  No I am not kidding that literally happens in the FIRST five minutes! Or how about an absolutely revolting scene were Dano literally pumps the water out of Radcliffe’s body so he can drink it. This despite the fact that there is a waterfall not far from him. Sure you might say “well that water isn’t safe”, well the water in Radcliffe’s body has to be salt water because he wasn’t sitting in the rain we saw earlier in the film! The scene is as disgusting as you might think it is and it was making just cringe. Or how about when Radcliffe’s corpse gets a boner from looking at a swimsuit magazine and Dano uses his dick as a compass! I can’t make this stuff up people!

However the scene that really did me in was, instead of trying to find his way to safety and land, Dano would rather recreate an entire bus out of twigs, dress himself as a woman that he doesn’t know but took a picture of on said bus and have Radcliffe try and woo him as said woman.  No that is not a joke and it is almost a site that has to been seen to be believed. My skin was crawling and my blood was BOILING and I couldn’t take one more second! I had to get out and leave right than an there!

I may have missed the last half of the movie, but my buddy Deer who somehow managed to stay for the whole thing, filled me in on what I missed and it just made me ever more glad I had walked out when I did!

There are going be those people who try to tell you that this movie is charming and sweet. So you are trying to tell me that the Dano character is a charmer because he loves this girl. I would first like to point out this dude took a picture of this girl, unknowingly while she was on the bus. He made it is screen saver, and is now obsessively in love with her, despite not ever having a single conversation with her! This dude is a psychopath! He is walking around a forest talking to a dead corpse, after having tried to kill himself, while obsessing over a girl he has never actually talked to, recreating his fantasy of her with said corpse! This dude needs to be locked up in a mental hospital! But oh no, its charming that he loves this girl…not creepy at all!

If I my quote WWE Kingpin Vince McMahon here, Swiss Army Man is the drizzling SHITS! I detested it! Loathed it! Hated every single second that I could bare to sit in that cinema watching this giant elephant turd wash over the screen. It is not art, it is pretentious dung pretending to be art! This is garbage on the highest of levels! Hell this is a landfill of useless unfunny junk!

In case you didn’t get the hint, I F#$%KING HATED THIS MOVIE!  At least Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen had the decency to know it was trash! Not like this crap that thinks it is something special! Swiss Army Man is the worst movie I have ever seen. The fact that there is still an unseen 40 minutes of the film by me makes that even more depressing. I will never ever watch those final 40 minutes.  I would rather watch Seth Rogen swallow 20 bloody tampons in Neighbors 3, than watch another second of this monstrosity of a film.

Avoid at all COSTS this is pure torture to sit through!

Grade – F

About Dave Bril
I am just a simple man who loves to watch movies, be them good or bad, I just simply enjoy the thrill of watching a movie on the big screen.

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